wednesday
total before tipout: 510. after...i'd say...430?

today was better. i spent a lot of time at my altar before i went in. i lit three candles. i concentrated on the golden bubble of light all the way on my bike ride in. i thought about that thing in theater class where they teach you about status, and how people with higher status don't keep looking at people who they think have lower status than them, but people with lower status are always checking, peeking back at the people to whom they concede status. as much as it sort of pained me, i worked hard to not concede status to the other girls.

there was this one dude, with a cowboy hat from texas. he was boring but he wanted to talk to me. he was already talking to two other girls who had approached him, one of whom is the person i'm most afraid of "mean girl" dynamics from, l--, although her cute nerdy friend came in tonight and that endeared me to her. besides, that fear beloned to my other, more sapling life. i was sitting with another alabama fan, a man who was here on this trip because it was on his wife's bucket list and she has terminal cancer. he whispered to me, "i came over here to talk to you." i said, okay i'll be around later but you have to take care of them first. later, he came and talked ot me, and l- sat behind in the alcove. i had a feeling she was watching, but i didn't look at her.

i gave a threefer to the most handsome man tonight. well, i thought he was really handsome. i felt a deep connection while gyrating on top of him lol. seriously though. i kind of wanted to fuck him. or, rather, i did want to fuck him. also, it is funny people's expecations of you...in different contexts. he said he was native american, and i said, "what nation?" and he was impressed, like most people say "what tribe?" which was jsut funny to me because in all other areas of my life...well, people have different expectations of me.

i did my first v.i.p. room tonight, and i got confused about prices, which meant that i asked for more from teh dude than i proabaly would have otherwise, but he was loaded and paid. which is a good lesson in ask and yo umay be suprised. he was funny. kept talking about the hustle. i kind of feel like people were sent ot me tonight. including this guy who kept talking about the hustle and, i dunno i am too tired to say. but the hour actually flew by. we danced a little on teh couch and then standing up and then we just sort of had sexy snuggle time and talked. which was nice. he was sweet and super tall. and apparently ran some business but i never really asked him about it.

also, he was like "i appreciate that you can't just roll yoru body like a black girl" or someting like that. which was both affirming and...weird.

there is so much racism. overt. it's crazy. the bouncer always recruits me to come stand at the door and then i get there and he sends one of the black girls back inside and has me stand in her place, "watch" he says, "we're gonna get a lot more people now." also, he always let's white dudes in without id's but turns away groups of latino guys who don't have id's. there's lots more racist stuff i'm too tired to think of. oh this one girl was talking about who she wanted to do threefers with. she said to teh house mom "i'm not going with taht indian guy because i don't like to be fingered." pause. "also he's from INDIA, who knows where his hands have been."

i observed the merit of staying until the end tonight. two guys came in once we were about to close, and iw as like "okay, we're about to close," and so i convinced this dude to do a threefer with me. he only wanted to do it if i was going to be back tomorrow. i lied and said that i would be.                                                                                                                                                                                                   . i figured that was okay. he had a necklace of jesus on teh cross but it was missing the horizontal part of the cross. i think on purpose.