tHURSDAY NIGHT: 306 before tip out, 240 after

All of the below is from when I got home last night. But I woke up this morning with that gross taste in my mouth of having let my boundaries get crossed. or maybe that's a fucked up construction. of having them getting crossed. it's funny. dry humping guys all night long is fine with me, cuz i'm consenting. but this dude did this dick move last night where he asked for a kiss on the cheek and then turned his face. so gross. so nasty. so crossing the line. i yelled at him and made him give me money but it still felt nasty and reminded me of being a teenager in all the worst ways.i texted r-- about it when she asked me how work was last night. "boundaries by fire" i said. one thing i love about stripping is that you can set really clear boundaries most of the time, and feel in control of navigating a severely nonconsensual mysoginist rape culture, but on those select occasions where you are not in control it SUCKS.

+acknowledgment with r--y and a--- about the racist fucking practice of keeping the black dancers away from the door./

+that dude looking at r--- on the stage and, so disturbed, kept saying "she's pregnant...no, she's definitely pregnant." HE WAS SO DISTURBED. and yea, she is pregnant, but at first i was like trying to play dumb about it and then i was just like, you know that fuck what, "everyone's gotta make a buck." and he was like, yea.

+dude jordan was like, "you know, i don't even like strip clubs or want a dance, but i'm a business man and i respect your hustle," so i'm gonna get a dance, and at the end of it he's all asking for a handjob LOL. i told him i wouldn't give him one, well he was mostly like, "i mean, i have a girlfriend,so i could just get this at home, but i was just WONDERING." i told him it would probably be $300 and he said that it wasn't worth it anyway. then i todl him i'd never given a handjob, which is true. not even to your boyfriend? he said. i'm a lesbian, i said. i love telling guys that. even if it's not entirely true.

Honestly, the club is probably what most people would consider "seedy" and/or "sketchy."  there's straight up drug dealers in there...pretty often. tonight, this dude motioned me over to him. his shirt was part way unbuttoned and he had arabic tattooed across his chest. it read, "

i could see getting sort of addicted to strip clubs. it's fascinating and disgusting. tonight there were some gross dudes who i just didn't want near me. and had to lay down the law.

but anyway. i'm tired, so this entry is as nonsensical as all of them. but i feel like i'm coming into my own more there. finding ways to be more me. to be silly in the ways that i am wont to be silly...in a way that is also sexier. to be mroe bold, more daring, to have fun. tonight i decided i would jsut fucking have fun.

this was annoying at one point cuz this drunk woman came in and she wanted to try on my shoes. i had been reading on stripper web about how to deal with couples...that you should flirt with the woman more cuz the guy wants to please her. this almost worked except it was there first night in town and they were holding off. but she fucking stretched out my shoes i should have known. this makes me annoyed. those fucking shoes though! what a pain in the fucking ass! maybe i can get some of those grips for teh bottom. it's just fucking annoying.

but anyway. i also am finding more ways to engage with teh other dancers in ways that feel positive. for example, when no one is sitting around stage, i started bringing guys to sit around the edge of the stage with me and tip who ever is on stage. cuz it sucks when no one is around the stage! and then it's fun to sit aroudn teh stage too. i brought guys to give money to D-- twice tonight. I like her a lot. Even though she always seems pissy when I see her now, I don't take it personally because when I first started working here, she opened up to me about being depressed, and I know she's got a lot going on on the home front. So I try to birng guys when she is dancing.

I feel like I'm getting better at dancing too. I'm having more fun with it, getting mroe of the moves down.

I dont' know what else to say. My parents are in town now. So I have to maek up an alibi.