full moon thursday
about to bleed, hopefull
457 before tip out, 340 after

i am so tired.

what even happened tonight?

i was not feeling sexy. but sometimes even when you are not feeling sexy, you have to pretend you are feeling sexy. this is especially true when that is your job. okay, duh. sorry.

there were all these cops from new york city in tonight. not all of htem wanted to admit to being cops. i have to admit, they were my favorite people of the night. they were all these handsome irish guys, kind of sweet. sometimes guys let me in when i am doing a lap dance, and i can just sort of drop into that space, that energy. this, i like. it feels liek we are actually doing work together or something. one of the cops came to that space. or maybe he was the only one who wasn't actually a cop.

again, there were a million people talking about how they wanted something more. i had like three guys tonight almost not get dances because they were worried about getting blue balled. i am getting better at enticing men to come back despite the fact that i'm not going to promise them sex.

the thing is, they really don't get why i won't have sex with them. one guy really wanted to eat me out, said he was the best at it. i  politely declined and he said that i could just get a taste of it for a minute or something and see if i like it. i was like, NO DUDE. thanks though.

maybe the cops stood out as mildly pleasurable because there were so many other people who i found...gross and creepy and icky. including this guy who came in, older man, and i was sitting with him for a minute (thank god not on his lap), and he bought me a drink, and then i started to notice that he had open wounds on his arm and hands (one of which he had been touching my hair and stuff with) and i was like, "ummmm...what happened" and he said that he had been shot "you know," he said, "it's the quarter." and i was like, actually no i do not know and i'm sorry but you cannot touch me with your open wounds hand. then i walked away and some other girl sat with him and sat with him for a long time, so maybe he was decent. but also, no. don't do that.

i pulled this guy in from off the street, i could just tell that he was so horny and drunk and would be an easy sell. his friends stayed outside, said they would give him a half an hour. i convinced him to do a three for a hundred. he pretty immediately told me that he hadn't been with a woman for a very long time, so i told him i would jumpstart his engines, as it were...get his mojo working or something. ew though. he kept asking me if i was "excited," which is the grossest euphemism for what he was trying to say. but i had to keep saying yes! "oh yea, i'm excited..what about you, baby? are you excited?" as if i couldn't already tell that he was excited by the huge boner in his weirdly thin jeans. i think he was pretty drunk because he kept on telling me how nice my breasts were in this way that made it seem like each thought was new. also he kept asking me to "touch him." also gross. and the answer was no. i did give him a little pep talk on the way out though. about how maybe he could start to change his situation by being a better lover to himself, etc. maybe it will stick!

i want to work on my timing. like in the progression of dances, and stuff. i feel like maybe i go big too soon.

i had some nice interactions with the other dancers tonight. i like m--, who taught me the moves initially, and it's nice to see her there. also, i had a couple of instances of communicating to other dancers when i knew that guys wanted to be with them. also, there was this dude who i saw at the very beginning of the night with whom there was a bit of a language barrier, though he was able to communicate, "i want to be sucked." to which i said, no. he said he didn't want a dance because he was a student and did not have enough money. but then i saw him get a dance from D---, so I figured that he actually did. Then he saw me and said he wanted one from me too. I guess he had stuck his fingers inside D----'s thong. anyway, she told the security guy to keep an eye out for me, which gave me the heads up so i could set some really clear boundaries form the beginning. and boy did he try to break them. ouch.

also i spanked two guys during private dances. this is good because it is a technique going forward to not have to spend so much time dry-humping.

it was definitely a little hard getting back into it after being out for a week. especially the stage part, but it got better by the end. also, i think, havign to wash my mom out of my head, and tonight i got all nevrou about going back to massachusetts saturday and i don't know...seeing all my old friends...different conversation. okay. i've got to go to bed now.