full moon friday
first day bleeding.
350 before tip out; 275 after.
okay. first things first. i never thought i would say this. but bourbon street at sunrise almost made me cry today. with that aqueous, letting go joy. something about the neon with the streaky sky and rising sun. at night the neon is all about opposing the black night. being not of this world. but then the dawn comes back and reclaims the colors as part of this expansive universe.
so i'm getting better at some of the stripper moves. for example, i went backwards and upside down with my pussy in the guys faces in most of my lap dances tonight. also, this one where you stand with your back to the pole and your arms above your head and slowly lower yousrelf down as you walk your feet out so in the end your knees are bent and your back is parallel to the floor and you are still gyrating., well, i was the last dancer of the night, just due to the rotation, so it was like 5.20 am, and i'm doing this move on the stage and i didn't even think anyone was really around the stage it was so late, but there was this woman at my feet trying to give me a dollar, and i guess i kicked out my foot and i KICKED HER IN THE FACE. she was totally a good sport about it though, and i rubbed my tits in her face to make up for it lol. she still gave me the dollar :) and THEN! her friends (they all work for jet blue...i wonder if they were flight attendants or what), this guy and a girl, they got a dance together. it was awesome! i took two armchairs and had them face eachother so i could do stuff in between them. she was great, too, she kept asking consent for touching me places. and she RESPECTED THE DON'T TOUCH MY JUNK RULE. and kept calling him out on it. it was awesome.
sometimes i'm so fucking naive. this guy was sitting in a corner and he called me over. i'd been seeing him, but some vibe made me think he wasn't in for dances, so i' hadn't gone over. he was good looking though. i went and sat with him. he was like, "i've been here the past couple of nights, and i've seen you, so i wanted to say hello." i think he gave some nondescript compliment. we exchanged names and then he said that he wanted us to meet because "i just got back from the feds and i'm gonna be trying to take over the strip clubs." even though he said "feds" i was still not getting it. i thought he meant he was gonna buy out bourbon entertainment, the place that owns the place i work and some other places too. "oh cool" i said. so you're gonna own this place?" he chuckled. "no." he said. "the DRUGS. i just got back from the feds and i'm gonna take over the DRUGS in this area." "oh," i said. "the feds like prison?" "yea," he said, "so i wanted to introduce myself." i said that all that was "awesome," and i would "keep it in mind." then i asked him if he wanted a dance and he said no but maybe he would buy one for his buddy later. i told him about his nice smile and then went and did something else.
i think i'm just not going to touch all that shit with anything except for a ten foot pole of courtesy and flirtation. i mean, i get asked for coke all the time, but i'm not trying to be anyone's hookup, especially when there's nothing in it for me. also NO I WILL NOT LET YOU STICK YOUR DICK UP MY ASS. and if i tell you you can't touch my pussy DO YOU REALLY THINK I AM GOING TO LET YOU COME IN MY MOUTH? for god sake's people it's a FUCKING STRIP CLUB. there were these overgrown nerds who are often the nastiest horndogs and they were all asking if we would do anal. GROSS. me and ar--- and the door woman and someone else were talking about him, which is always really nice to commiserate with teh other dancers, cuz sometimes it can seem like you are having these crappy experiences all by yourself, but then someone else is like, "yeah, i'm not making any money tonight either" or "these guys are cheap" or "that guy just tried to finger me" or "he won't stop asking everyone for anal," and then it's like, "okay, it's not something fucked up about me. but anyway, ar--- went inside and went up to him and was like, "so are you the guy that is asking everyone for anal?" and he was like, "no," that guy's already out back. i have a pretty enormous crush on ar----. she's the best dancer and she always looks good, like she's not working hard at all, but you know that she is. i think she had a bad night. we were outside and she was like, "being black is not working for me tonight...you know sometimes i wish i were white." i'm not gonna lie. the strip club is yet another place where the extremes of racism are super visible. and i know i benefit a shit ton from being white. from teh ways i've already written about, but also, when i experience the racism of customers, it's like a moral/existential dilemma as opposed to a dilemma around whether i'm gonna make enough money that night.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
full moon thursday
about to bleed, hopefull
457 before tip out, 340 after
i am so tired.
what even happened tonight?
i was not feeling sexy. but sometimes even when you are not feeling sexy, you have to pretend you are feeling sexy. this is especially true when that is your job. okay, duh. sorry.
there were all these cops from new york city in tonight. not all of htem wanted to admit to being cops. i have to admit, they were my favorite people of the night. they were all these handsome irish guys, kind of sweet. sometimes guys let me in when i am doing a lap dance, and i can just sort of drop into that space, that energy. this, i like. it feels liek we are actually doing work together or something. one of the cops came to that space. or maybe he was the only one who wasn't actually a cop.
again, there were a million people talking about how they wanted something more. i had like three guys tonight almost not get dances because they were worried about getting blue balled. i am getting better at enticing men to come back despite the fact that i'm not going to promise them sex.
the thing is, they really don't get why i won't have sex with them. one guy really wanted to eat me out, said he was the best at it. i politely declined and he said that i could just get a taste of it for a minute or something and see if i like it. i was like, NO DUDE. thanks though.
maybe the cops stood out as mildly pleasurable because there were so many other people who i found...gross and creepy and icky. including this guy who came in, older man, and i was sitting with him for a minute (thank god not on his lap), and he bought me a drink, and then i started to notice that he had open wounds on his arm and hands (one of which he had been touching my hair and stuff with) and i was like, "ummmm...what happened" and he said that he had been shot "you know," he said, "it's the quarter." and i was like, actually no i do not know and i'm sorry but you cannot touch me with your open wounds hand. then i walked away and some other girl sat with him and sat with him for a long time, so maybe he was decent. but also, no. don't do that.
i pulled this guy in from off the street, i could just tell that he was so horny and drunk and would be an easy sell. his friends stayed outside, said they would give him a half an hour. i convinced him to do a three for a hundred. he pretty immediately told me that he hadn't been with a woman for a very long time, so i told him i would jumpstart his engines, as it were...get his mojo working or something. ew though. he kept asking me if i was "excited," which is the grossest euphemism for what he was trying to say. but i had to keep saying yes! "oh yea, i'm excited..what about you, baby? are you excited?" as if i couldn't already tell that he was excited by the huge boner in his weirdly thin jeans. i think he was pretty drunk because he kept on telling me how nice my breasts were in this way that made it seem like each thought was new. also he kept asking me to "touch him." also gross. and the answer was no. i did give him a little pep talk on the way out though. about how maybe he could start to change his situation by being a better lover to himself, etc. maybe it will stick!
i want to work on my timing. like in the progression of dances, and stuff. i feel like maybe i go big too soon.
i had some nice interactions with the other dancers tonight. i like m--, who taught me the moves initially, and it's nice to see her there. also, i had a couple of instances of communicating to other dancers when i knew that guys wanted to be with them. also, there was this dude who i saw at the very beginning of the night with whom there was a bit of a language barrier, though he was able to communicate, "i want to be sucked." to which i said, no. he said he didn't want a dance because he was a student and did not have enough money. but then i saw him get a dance from D---, so I figured that he actually did. Then he saw me and said he wanted one from me too. I guess he had stuck his fingers inside D----'s thong. anyway, she told the security guy to keep an eye out for me, which gave me the heads up so i could set some really clear boundaries form the beginning. and boy did he try to break them. ouch.
also i spanked two guys during private dances. this is good because it is a technique going forward to not have to spend so much time dry-humping.
it was definitely a little hard getting back into it after being out for a week. especially the stage part, but it got better by the end. also, i think, havign to wash my mom out of my head, and tonight i got all nevrou about going back to massachusetts saturday and i don't know...seeing all my old friends...different conversation. okay. i've got to go to bed now.
about to bleed, hopefull
457 before tip out, 340 after
i am so tired.
what even happened tonight?
i was not feeling sexy. but sometimes even when you are not feeling sexy, you have to pretend you are feeling sexy. this is especially true when that is your job. okay, duh. sorry.
there were all these cops from new york city in tonight. not all of htem wanted to admit to being cops. i have to admit, they were my favorite people of the night. they were all these handsome irish guys, kind of sweet. sometimes guys let me in when i am doing a lap dance, and i can just sort of drop into that space, that energy. this, i like. it feels liek we are actually doing work together or something. one of the cops came to that space. or maybe he was the only one who wasn't actually a cop.
again, there were a million people talking about how they wanted something more. i had like three guys tonight almost not get dances because they were worried about getting blue balled. i am getting better at enticing men to come back despite the fact that i'm not going to promise them sex.
the thing is, they really don't get why i won't have sex with them. one guy really wanted to eat me out, said he was the best at it. i politely declined and he said that i could just get a taste of it for a minute or something and see if i like it. i was like, NO DUDE. thanks though.
maybe the cops stood out as mildly pleasurable because there were so many other people who i found...gross and creepy and icky. including this guy who came in, older man, and i was sitting with him for a minute (thank god not on his lap), and he bought me a drink, and then i started to notice that he had open wounds on his arm and hands (one of which he had been touching my hair and stuff with) and i was like, "ummmm...what happened" and he said that he had been shot "you know," he said, "it's the quarter." and i was like, actually no i do not know and i'm sorry but you cannot touch me with your open wounds hand. then i walked away and some other girl sat with him and sat with him for a long time, so maybe he was decent. but also, no. don't do that.
i pulled this guy in from off the street, i could just tell that he was so horny and drunk and would be an easy sell. his friends stayed outside, said they would give him a half an hour. i convinced him to do a three for a hundred. he pretty immediately told me that he hadn't been with a woman for a very long time, so i told him i would jumpstart his engines, as it were...get his mojo working or something. ew though. he kept asking me if i was "excited," which is the grossest euphemism for what he was trying to say. but i had to keep saying yes! "oh yea, i'm excited..what about you, baby? are you excited?" as if i couldn't already tell that he was excited by the huge boner in his weirdly thin jeans. i think he was pretty drunk because he kept on telling me how nice my breasts were in this way that made it seem like each thought was new. also he kept asking me to "touch him." also gross. and the answer was no. i did give him a little pep talk on the way out though. about how maybe he could start to change his situation by being a better lover to himself, etc. maybe it will stick!
i want to work on my timing. like in the progression of dances, and stuff. i feel like maybe i go big too soon.
i had some nice interactions with the other dancers tonight. i like m--, who taught me the moves initially, and it's nice to see her there. also, i had a couple of instances of communicating to other dancers when i knew that guys wanted to be with them. also, there was this dude who i saw at the very beginning of the night with whom there was a bit of a language barrier, though he was able to communicate, "i want to be sucked." to which i said, no. he said he didn't want a dance because he was a student and did not have enough money. but then i saw him get a dance from D---, so I figured that he actually did. Then he saw me and said he wanted one from me too. I guess he had stuck his fingers inside D----'s thong. anyway, she told the security guy to keep an eye out for me, which gave me the heads up so i could set some really clear boundaries form the beginning. and boy did he try to break them. ouch.
also i spanked two guys during private dances. this is good because it is a technique going forward to not have to spend so much time dry-humping.
it was definitely a little hard getting back into it after being out for a week. especially the stage part, but it got better by the end. also, i think, havign to wash my mom out of my head, and tonight i got all nevrou about going back to massachusetts saturday and i don't know...seeing all my old friends...different conversation. okay. i've got to go to bed now.
Friday, May 17, 2013
tHURSDAY NIGHT: 306 before tip out, 240 after
All of the below is from when I got home last night. But I woke up this morning with that gross taste in my mouth of having let my boundaries get crossed. or maybe that's a fucked up construction. of having them getting crossed. it's funny. dry humping guys all night long is fine with me, cuz i'm consenting. but this dude did this dick move last night where he asked for a kiss on the cheek and then turned his face. so gross. so nasty. so crossing the line. i yelled at him and made him give me money but it still felt nasty and reminded me of being a teenager in all the worst ways.i texted r-- about it when she asked me how work was last night. "boundaries by fire" i said. one thing i love about stripping is that you can set really clear boundaries most of the time, and feel in control of navigating a severely nonconsensual mysoginist rape culture, but on those select occasions where you are not in control it SUCKS.
+acknowledgment with r--y and a--- about the racist fucking practice of keeping the black dancers away from the door./
+that dude looking at r--- on the stage and, so disturbed, kept saying "she's pregnant...no, she's definitely pregnant." HE WAS SO DISTURBED. and yea, she is pregnant, but at first i was like trying to play dumb about it and then i was just like, you know that fuck what, "everyone's gotta make a buck." and he was like, yea.
+dude jordan was like, "you know, i don't even like strip clubs or want a dance, but i'm a business man and i respect your hustle," so i'm gonna get a dance, and at the end of it he's all asking for a handjob LOL. i told him i wouldn't give him one, well he was mostly like, "i mean, i have a girlfriend,so i could just get this at home, but i was just WONDERING." i told him it would probably be $300 and he said that it wasn't worth it anyway. then i todl him i'd never given a handjob, which is true. not even to your boyfriend? he said. i'm a lesbian, i said. i love telling guys that. even if it's not entirely true.
Honestly, the club is probably what most people would consider "seedy" and/or "sketchy." there's straight up drug dealers in there...pretty often. tonight, this dude motioned me over to him. his shirt was part way unbuttoned and he had arabic tattooed across his chest. it read, "
i could see getting sort of addicted to strip clubs. it's fascinating and disgusting. tonight there were some gross dudes who i just didn't want near me. and had to lay down the law.
but anyway. i'm tired, so this entry is as nonsensical as all of them. but i feel like i'm coming into my own more there. finding ways to be more me. to be silly in the ways that i am wont to be silly...in a way that is also sexier. to be mroe bold, more daring, to have fun. tonight i decided i would jsut fucking have fun.
this was annoying at one point cuz this drunk woman came in and she wanted to try on my shoes. i had been reading on stripper web about how to deal with couples...that you should flirt with the woman more cuz the guy wants to please her. this almost worked except it was there first night in town and they were holding off. but she fucking stretched out my shoes i should have known. this makes me annoyed. those fucking shoes though! what a pain in the fucking ass! maybe i can get some of those grips for teh bottom. it's just fucking annoying.
but anyway. i also am finding more ways to engage with teh other dancers in ways that feel positive. for example, when no one is sitting around stage, i started bringing guys to sit around the edge of the stage with me and tip who ever is on stage. cuz it sucks when no one is around the stage! and then it's fun to sit aroudn teh stage too. i brought guys to give money to D-- twice tonight. I like her a lot. Even though she always seems pissy when I see her now, I don't take it personally because when I first started working here, she opened up to me about being depressed, and I know she's got a lot going on on the home front. So I try to birng guys when she is dancing.
I feel like I'm getting better at dancing too. I'm having more fun with it, getting mroe of the moves down.
I dont' know what else to say. My parents are in town now. So I have to maek up an alibi.
All of the below is from when I got home last night. But I woke up this morning with that gross taste in my mouth of having let my boundaries get crossed. or maybe that's a fucked up construction. of having them getting crossed. it's funny. dry humping guys all night long is fine with me, cuz i'm consenting. but this dude did this dick move last night where he asked for a kiss on the cheek and then turned his face. so gross. so nasty. so crossing the line. i yelled at him and made him give me money but it still felt nasty and reminded me of being a teenager in all the worst ways.i texted r-- about it when she asked me how work was last night. "boundaries by fire" i said. one thing i love about stripping is that you can set really clear boundaries most of the time, and feel in control of navigating a severely nonconsensual mysoginist rape culture, but on those select occasions where you are not in control it SUCKS.
+acknowledgment with r--y and a--- about the racist fucking practice of keeping the black dancers away from the door./
+that dude looking at r--- on the stage and, so disturbed, kept saying "she's pregnant...no, she's definitely pregnant." HE WAS SO DISTURBED. and yea, she is pregnant, but at first i was like trying to play dumb about it and then i was just like, you know that fuck what, "everyone's gotta make a buck." and he was like, yea.
+dude jordan was like, "you know, i don't even like strip clubs or want a dance, but i'm a business man and i respect your hustle," so i'm gonna get a dance, and at the end of it he's all asking for a handjob LOL. i told him i wouldn't give him one, well he was mostly like, "i mean, i have a girlfriend,so i could just get this at home, but i was just WONDERING." i told him it would probably be $300 and he said that it wasn't worth it anyway. then i todl him i'd never given a handjob, which is true. not even to your boyfriend? he said. i'm a lesbian, i said. i love telling guys that. even if it's not entirely true.
Honestly, the club is probably what most people would consider "seedy" and/or "sketchy." there's straight up drug dealers in there...pretty often. tonight, this dude motioned me over to him. his shirt was part way unbuttoned and he had arabic tattooed across his chest. it read, "
i could see getting sort of addicted to strip clubs. it's fascinating and disgusting. tonight there were some gross dudes who i just didn't want near me. and had to lay down the law.
but anyway. i'm tired, so this entry is as nonsensical as all of them. but i feel like i'm coming into my own more there. finding ways to be more me. to be silly in the ways that i am wont to be silly...in a way that is also sexier. to be mroe bold, more daring, to have fun. tonight i decided i would jsut fucking have fun.
this was annoying at one point cuz this drunk woman came in and she wanted to try on my shoes. i had been reading on stripper web about how to deal with couples...that you should flirt with the woman more cuz the guy wants to please her. this almost worked except it was there first night in town and they were holding off. but she fucking stretched out my shoes i should have known. this makes me annoyed. those fucking shoes though! what a pain in the fucking ass! maybe i can get some of those grips for teh bottom. it's just fucking annoying.
but anyway. i also am finding more ways to engage with teh other dancers in ways that feel positive. for example, when no one is sitting around stage, i started bringing guys to sit around the edge of the stage with me and tip who ever is on stage. cuz it sucks when no one is around the stage! and then it's fun to sit aroudn teh stage too. i brought guys to give money to D-- twice tonight. I like her a lot. Even though she always seems pissy when I see her now, I don't take it personally because when I first started working here, she opened up to me about being depressed, and I know she's got a lot going on on the home front. So I try to birng guys when she is dancing.
I feel like I'm getting better at dancing too. I'm having more fun with it, getting mroe of the moves down.
I dont' know what else to say. My parents are in town now. So I have to maek up an alibi.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
wednesday night.
235 before tip out...170 after.
not so awesome of a night...lots of tightwads not wanting to spend money. when i had lunch with b- and a- last week, one tip a- gave, which she gave under the header of "don't be lazy" was that she doesn't hang out with customers...she counts songs...usually by the end of a song or two she can tell if they are going to buy a dance or not. i've been using that strategy, and tonight was frustrating because it was clear that almost everyone did not want a dance. or not YET. another frustrating/weird thing. sometiems guys come in and they are just READy for a dance, but tonight there was not a lot of that. i guess i have to figure out also, if i am waiting one or two songs to get a read on it, to not try to get a read on it BEFORE the first song is over. maybe just to try to be present throughout the first song and then check in at teh end of it, instead of trying to call the whole situation the whole time.
Also, I need to have a better cache of conversation topics to go over. I really lost my ability to hold htat part down tonight. And I resorted to sticking my butt in folks' junk, but somehow that just feels less effective.
That said, when I first told N- that I had started stripping, she was like, "wow, that's a whole nother movement vocabulary." And I thin kI've been a little bit in denial about how entirely unfamiliar that movement vocabulary is to me. I mean, I'd barely been in strip clubs before I started working here. But I'm starting to get it down, I think. And practicing some radical acceptance around the fact that the other dancers have more experience and more skills than I do. But I am feeling more confident on stage and am ever grateful to M- for her booty shaking lessons.
Well, I went upstairs at the end of the night after wondering if the closing customers would get a last minute dance in, and Momma and maybe C--, the security guard, were standing on either side of S--, this sweet woman who had walked me to my bike the other night and was nothing but friendly. They were dumping everything out of her bag, which I'd only ever seen once before, my first night at the club, when this dancer was accused of stealing. But in this case it was getting all her money out of her bag I guess and figuring out waht her tip outs were because she was so trashed she couldnt' even stand up. And they'd found a syringe in her bag, and I guess she, like a good handful of the dancers from how I've heard them talk about it, was a recovering heroin addict but had fallen off the wagon and had shot up in the bathroom that night. Momma was irate, the way...an actual mother might be..."there's blood on your had I can see it I can see the marks!" she was screaming. And S--'s story kept changing...first she had fallen off the wagon yesterday, then earlier today, then she finally admitted to shooting up at the club. And she genuinely seemed pretty devastated to have done so. And momma was irate, and I guess she had also cut/poked herself with the syringe when she was looking through S--'s bag, so...FUCK.
R--, the DJ said something really fucked up tonight...well, he often does...and I'm still cringing from when he played that Helen Keller song when I was on stage. But tonight he said something, I don't know in reference ot what, but he said, "shut up, negro," or something like that. I heard a voice from the left of me, one of the black dancers, sitting on the lap of a patron say something like "uh-uh" or "oh no" and she got up off his lap and walked over to where r-- and s-- were, and I thought she was going to say something, but I think she just said she was going home. So far I have not found a good way to be an anti-racist ally or a change agent in this work...not quite sure how to handle that.
C-- was back tonight.I really like her and hadn't worked with her in a while. She's super cute and sweet and genuine, and I wouldn't mind knowing her more in teh real world. I'm also fascinated by her story. I just know that she drives in from Mississippi every day, and that her brother was going to pick her up when she got off work. I wonder what their life in Mississippi is like.
This guy, when I was givign him a lap dance, kept telling me that I seemed tense. I foudn this annoying. I hate when people tell me that in general, but also, it is hard to perch above someonces groin and then gyrate your junk across their junk over and over while not exerting force. But I guess everything should look effortless.
Also, that cop was around again. And he was grabbing girls asses while we were at the door...not mine. But that was totally effed! I was like, A) that shit is SO NOT FREE. And B) ABUSE OF POWER. I don't even have anything else to say about that because it's so fucking obvious.
Also, I'm sort of over spending time with a guy only to have them say, "I don't do strip clubs, but you can come back to my hotel room." Dude, you're IN A FUCKING STRIP CLUB, wasting my time. If it helps some women out to have dudes looking for paid sex in the club, that's fine, but at least honor why you are there, and respect the business that people are there to be doing. I've had guys who I've given dances THEN ask for something more outside, which I feel like is way more respectful.
235 before tip out...170 after.
not so awesome of a night...lots of tightwads not wanting to spend money. when i had lunch with b- and a- last week, one tip a- gave, which she gave under the header of "don't be lazy" was that she doesn't hang out with customers...she counts songs...usually by the end of a song or two she can tell if they are going to buy a dance or not. i've been using that strategy, and tonight was frustrating because it was clear that almost everyone did not want a dance. or not YET. another frustrating/weird thing. sometiems guys come in and they are just READy for a dance, but tonight there was not a lot of that. i guess i have to figure out also, if i am waiting one or two songs to get a read on it, to not try to get a read on it BEFORE the first song is over. maybe just to try to be present throughout the first song and then check in at teh end of it, instead of trying to call the whole situation the whole time.
Also, I need to have a better cache of conversation topics to go over. I really lost my ability to hold htat part down tonight. And I resorted to sticking my butt in folks' junk, but somehow that just feels less effective.
That said, when I first told N- that I had started stripping, she was like, "wow, that's a whole nother movement vocabulary." And I thin kI've been a little bit in denial about how entirely unfamiliar that movement vocabulary is to me. I mean, I'd barely been in strip clubs before I started working here. But I'm starting to get it down, I think. And practicing some radical acceptance around the fact that the other dancers have more experience and more skills than I do. But I am feeling more confident on stage and am ever grateful to M- for her booty shaking lessons.
Well, I went upstairs at the end of the night after wondering if the closing customers would get a last minute dance in, and Momma and maybe C--, the security guard, were standing on either side of S--, this sweet woman who had walked me to my bike the other night and was nothing but friendly. They were dumping everything out of her bag, which I'd only ever seen once before, my first night at the club, when this dancer was accused of stealing. But in this case it was getting all her money out of her bag I guess and figuring out waht her tip outs were because she was so trashed she couldnt' even stand up. And they'd found a syringe in her bag, and I guess she, like a good handful of the dancers from how I've heard them talk about it, was a recovering heroin addict but had fallen off the wagon and had shot up in the bathroom that night. Momma was irate, the way...an actual mother might be..."there's blood on your had I can see it I can see the marks!" she was screaming. And S--'s story kept changing...first she had fallen off the wagon yesterday, then earlier today, then she finally admitted to shooting up at the club. And she genuinely seemed pretty devastated to have done so. And momma was irate, and I guess she had also cut/poked herself with the syringe when she was looking through S--'s bag, so...FUCK.
R--, the DJ said something really fucked up tonight...well, he often does...and I'm still cringing from when he played that Helen Keller song when I was on stage. But tonight he said something, I don't know in reference ot what, but he said, "shut up, negro," or something like that. I heard a voice from the left of me, one of the black dancers, sitting on the lap of a patron say something like "uh-uh" or "oh no" and she got up off his lap and walked over to where r-- and s-- were, and I thought she was going to say something, but I think she just said she was going home. So far I have not found a good way to be an anti-racist ally or a change agent in this work...not quite sure how to handle that.
C-- was back tonight.I really like her and hadn't worked with her in a while. She's super cute and sweet and genuine, and I wouldn't mind knowing her more in teh real world. I'm also fascinated by her story. I just know that she drives in from Mississippi every day, and that her brother was going to pick her up when she got off work. I wonder what their life in Mississippi is like.
This guy, when I was givign him a lap dance, kept telling me that I seemed tense. I foudn this annoying. I hate when people tell me that in general, but also, it is hard to perch above someonces groin and then gyrate your junk across their junk over and over while not exerting force. But I guess everything should look effortless.
Also, that cop was around again. And he was grabbing girls asses while we were at the door...not mine. But that was totally effed! I was like, A) that shit is SO NOT FREE. And B) ABUSE OF POWER. I don't even have anything else to say about that because it's so fucking obvious.
Also, I'm sort of over spending time with a guy only to have them say, "I don't do strip clubs, but you can come back to my hotel room." Dude, you're IN A FUCKING STRIP CLUB, wasting my time. If it helps some women out to have dudes looking for paid sex in the club, that's fine, but at least honor why you are there, and respect the business that people are there to be doing. I've had guys who I've given dances THEN ask for something more outside, which I feel like is way more respectful.
Monday, May 13, 2013
sunday night.
425 before tip out so...350
tonight was good. i think i should have tipped r--, the cocktail waitress who always looks after me, but i didn't. forgot or something. i guess i can just get her when i go in on wednesday. it just feels a little bad.
i'm getting more confident being onstage. i can't do the tricks that m- can do, and i probably won't ever be able to...or at least for a while. and i can't make my ass ripple like water like some of the other girls can either. but the thing is, i can move my body and be centered in my sexiness and guys kind of just want to look at t+a and have you stick your junk in their faces. and sometimes their disinterested assholes. those times, who even gives a fuck. cuz there are other people in the club who will give you money. but i think i am getting better at shaking my ass. which maybe is directly related to getting better at not givign a fuck. but dang it's not so fun to be on your knees so much. i wish there were a hot way to wear knee pads.
i'm figuring out the look a little bit more which is...trashier, for lack of a better term. okay, i guess i could say more garish. i wore jewels on my face today and bigger, brighter hoop earings. m-- noticed and said i was starting to become a real live stripper.
once again, if i were interested in taking money for sex. i had at least three offers tonight. including this one guy from dubai who was loaded and who r-- held for me. this is part of why i wanted to make sure i tip her, not just because she looked out for me by holding that guy, but because i think she was concerned that i was going to think she was judging me for going with him or not going with him or considering going with him or whatever. i wasn't concerned though. there was this one guy who came in at the beginning. i got a really nice vibe off of him. he was sweet and sensual, fiftiesh, jewish, from chicago, was in town for a gambling tournament, but hadn't won much yet. he asked if my parents were always supportive of me, which was sort of a funny thing to ask. i said, well, not of everything and that i don't tell them what i do. then i changed the subject. but he was my first three for a hundred, and i liked dancing with him. it's nice that so far i've at least had one person a night who i legit feel attracted to. in general i really like giving lap dances. after a while it gets tiring, or if the guys are icky or you have to keep getting their hands away from your junk. but to be honest, i just really like the feeling of someone's hands on my body, and sort of moving my body in concert with someone else, and i think i've especially been craving that this week, after having had that tryst with v--, who then left town. but anyway, he and i talked vaguely about meeting up later this week after he had made money gamblign. he gave me a note with his number, but i haven't looked at it yet. i don't know if i would sleep with him for money. gad, i've never hardly even slept with a dude. but i dunno, we'll cross that bridge. he'd have to give me at least 700 for whatever he wanted to do, to make up for what i could have made at the club on a wednesday night (a very good wednesday lol)
there's this cop who's always at the club. i don't know what the fuck he does, he just hangs around and plays with his phone. well, i guess i do know what he does then. i was standing outside in front of the club playing with my ass or something and he hollered, "hey! i need someone who can speak and read spanish!" i said, "i can," and i thought i was going to be translating some official business, and he showed me this text that was like, "i didn't attack you so bad today, nothing that warranted you using level three force against me..." or something along those lines, which i thought was....weird. so i told him what it said and he thanked me. then he asked me to write back, "you attacked me while i was sleeping," he dictated. "and that fort is mine." OMG. he was online fucking gaming. he showed me another one but it was all these weird gaming words i didn't know and any way, i was like, I'm done with you. i saw him at the end of the night and asked if he had won. at first he said no. then he said, "do i look like i ever lose?" i didn't answer. "i never lose," he said. "i never lose." what a fucking cop.
i'm not sure what else to report on. these blowhard brits came in right at the end. cockiest mother fucker i ever met and i told him so. when i first went up to him he asked me something about liking his accent...i took my time. i don't actually give much of a fuck about british accents. i mean, i did when i was twelve. but now, less so, especially on blowhard twerps. so as i started to answer, he interrupted me, "no. i'm not asking you. i'm telling you. i know you like my accent." when i told him he was cocky he said he knew. that he could be cocky as fuck because he was in a strip club. it was ridiculous. i actually wanted to punch him across the face, but it was also a funny thing. because he felt like he had so much power. that holding money and coming into a strip club with girls who wanted it gave him this power, this cockiness, this swagger. i wonder if his masculinity is like that all the time, or he likes strip clubs to give him a chance for that kind of performance. i sat on his lap for a while cuz the club was about to close and i thought he still might want a dance even though he appalled me. he wouldn't give up the accent conversation though. i told him it didn't do much for me because i'm a lesbian. he said that was hot and asked if i was "fully" a lesbian or if i was bisexual. then he asked me if i ever just wanted to..."ride a fat cock"? i asked. well, yea, he said. so i waxed on about the brilliance of dildos, and he said, well it wasn't the same...anyhow, it went on for a while until i told him to come back on wednesday and i would wear my 9" dildo and fuck him up the ass. then i went upstairs to count my money and go home.
425 before tip out so...350
tonight was good. i think i should have tipped r--, the cocktail waitress who always looks after me, but i didn't. forgot or something. i guess i can just get her when i go in on wednesday. it just feels a little bad.
i'm getting more confident being onstage. i can't do the tricks that m- can do, and i probably won't ever be able to...or at least for a while. and i can't make my ass ripple like water like some of the other girls can either. but the thing is, i can move my body and be centered in my sexiness and guys kind of just want to look at t+a and have you stick your junk in their faces. and sometimes their disinterested assholes. those times, who even gives a fuck. cuz there are other people in the club who will give you money. but i think i am getting better at shaking my ass. which maybe is directly related to getting better at not givign a fuck. but dang it's not so fun to be on your knees so much. i wish there were a hot way to wear knee pads.
i'm figuring out the look a little bit more which is...trashier, for lack of a better term. okay, i guess i could say more garish. i wore jewels on my face today and bigger, brighter hoop earings. m-- noticed and said i was starting to become a real live stripper.
once again, if i were interested in taking money for sex. i had at least three offers tonight. including this one guy from dubai who was loaded and who r-- held for me. this is part of why i wanted to make sure i tip her, not just because she looked out for me by holding that guy, but because i think she was concerned that i was going to think she was judging me for going with him or not going with him or considering going with him or whatever. i wasn't concerned though. there was this one guy who came in at the beginning. i got a really nice vibe off of him. he was sweet and sensual, fiftiesh, jewish, from chicago, was in town for a gambling tournament, but hadn't won much yet. he asked if my parents were always supportive of me, which was sort of a funny thing to ask. i said, well, not of everything and that i don't tell them what i do. then i changed the subject. but he was my first three for a hundred, and i liked dancing with him. it's nice that so far i've at least had one person a night who i legit feel attracted to. in general i really like giving lap dances. after a while it gets tiring, or if the guys are icky or you have to keep getting their hands away from your junk. but to be honest, i just really like the feeling of someone's hands on my body, and sort of moving my body in concert with someone else, and i think i've especially been craving that this week, after having had that tryst with v--, who then left town. but anyway, he and i talked vaguely about meeting up later this week after he had made money gamblign. he gave me a note with his number, but i haven't looked at it yet. i don't know if i would sleep with him for money. gad, i've never hardly even slept with a dude. but i dunno, we'll cross that bridge. he'd have to give me at least 700 for whatever he wanted to do, to make up for what i could have made at the club on a wednesday night (a very good wednesday lol)
there's this cop who's always at the club. i don't know what the fuck he does, he just hangs around and plays with his phone. well, i guess i do know what he does then. i was standing outside in front of the club playing with my ass or something and he hollered, "hey! i need someone who can speak and read spanish!" i said, "i can," and i thought i was going to be translating some official business, and he showed me this text that was like, "i didn't attack you so bad today, nothing that warranted you using level three force against me..." or something along those lines, which i thought was....weird. so i told him what it said and he thanked me. then he asked me to write back, "you attacked me while i was sleeping," he dictated. "and that fort is mine." OMG. he was online fucking gaming. he showed me another one but it was all these weird gaming words i didn't know and any way, i was like, I'm done with you. i saw him at the end of the night and asked if he had won. at first he said no. then he said, "do i look like i ever lose?" i didn't answer. "i never lose," he said. "i never lose." what a fucking cop.
i'm not sure what else to report on. these blowhard brits came in right at the end. cockiest mother fucker i ever met and i told him so. when i first went up to him he asked me something about liking his accent...i took my time. i don't actually give much of a fuck about british accents. i mean, i did when i was twelve. but now, less so, especially on blowhard twerps. so as i started to answer, he interrupted me, "no. i'm not asking you. i'm telling you. i know you like my accent." when i told him he was cocky he said he knew. that he could be cocky as fuck because he was in a strip club. it was ridiculous. i actually wanted to punch him across the face, but it was also a funny thing. because he felt like he had so much power. that holding money and coming into a strip club with girls who wanted it gave him this power, this cockiness, this swagger. i wonder if his masculinity is like that all the time, or he likes strip clubs to give him a chance for that kind of performance. i sat on his lap for a while cuz the club was about to close and i thought he still might want a dance even though he appalled me. he wouldn't give up the accent conversation though. i told him it didn't do much for me because i'm a lesbian. he said that was hot and asked if i was "fully" a lesbian or if i was bisexual. then he asked me if i ever just wanted to..."ride a fat cock"? i asked. well, yea, he said. so i waxed on about the brilliance of dildos, and he said, well it wasn't the same...anyhow, it went on for a while until i told him to come back on wednesday and i would wear my 9" dildo and fuck him up the ass. then i went upstairs to count my money and go home.
Friday, May 3, 2013
more from yesterday --
guys are often like, "how/why did you become a stripper?" i guess i would wonder too. last night, v.i.p. dude was touching my boobs and he was like, "you have great breasts." and i said, "yeah, that's why i became a stripper." "oh yeah?" "yeah. you can't get lovers to worship your tits on a regular enough basis." and i think this is actually true for me, for an element. this thing about having a body part that conforms to some beauty standard of commodification, and being such a commodified body from the start, and then wanting affirmation on this, but also a) it can never come ENOUGh from a lover in this weird way, because it is not actually real, so it sort of evaporates once it is in the air. and also b) there is that weird taste in the mouth of being affirmed in the area of objectification that can get confusing with lovers...like this affirmation that i actually WANT in a way, i also really don't want from people who care about me...if that makes sense.
i saw what i thought was a mother and daughter pair enter the club. the daughter person looked like she could be a dancer, like she was gonna audition or something. and i had a moment of being like, "oh, that's so nice," and wishing that i had the kind of relationship with my mother where she would be excited for me to become a stripper. but it turned out that they were from this church group, "the women of inward." which is a hilarious name to me. makes me think of a vagina. They brought goody bags and gave them to all the dancers. No condoms, but I guess that is not surprising. They had useful things, though. hand sanitizer and emergen-c and cough drops. a rain poncho. a tea bag. also assorted small candies. a tasteful purple business card with a butterfly and a bible quotation. they seemed to know everyone in the club and the couple of dancers who i asked about them seemed to be positive bordering on protective of them.
the guy who i did a v.i.p. with also told me that if i wore the straps of my thong below my ischial crest (he didn't use that word, but that's one i learned from a former lover), that he thought i would make 10% more money. he's probably right. i always think it looks better above, but i suppose it is more jane fonda-workout video-esque. i'll wear it low. when i was laying on his lap he just wanted them pull down. he, more than others, never tried to touch my junk, but i guess he just wanted to look at it.
at the beginning of the night when i was dancing, r-, one of the waitresses got ones and put them on stage, i guess they can do that. i appreciated it, it helped my morale. she's sweet and seems to like me. i'd say she's in her forties or early fifties. she used to work with race horses and she said she'd had her skull cracked and her back broken any number of times by now. i forget the actual number. i requested her as my server for the v.i.p. room, and i tipped her at the end of the night. it seemed like the thing to do.
i drank more than i have yet, which was really barely one glass of champagne. i still felt like it contributed to the difficulty of my one hour of sleep the next morning. but i don't regret doing it.
guys are often like, "how/why did you become a stripper?" i guess i would wonder too. last night, v.i.p. dude was touching my boobs and he was like, "you have great breasts." and i said, "yeah, that's why i became a stripper." "oh yeah?" "yeah. you can't get lovers to worship your tits on a regular enough basis." and i think this is actually true for me, for an element. this thing about having a body part that conforms to some beauty standard of commodification, and being such a commodified body from the start, and then wanting affirmation on this, but also a) it can never come ENOUGh from a lover in this weird way, because it is not actually real, so it sort of evaporates once it is in the air. and also b) there is that weird taste in the mouth of being affirmed in the area of objectification that can get confusing with lovers...like this affirmation that i actually WANT in a way, i also really don't want from people who care about me...if that makes sense.
i saw what i thought was a mother and daughter pair enter the club. the daughter person looked like she could be a dancer, like she was gonna audition or something. and i had a moment of being like, "oh, that's so nice," and wishing that i had the kind of relationship with my mother where she would be excited for me to become a stripper. but it turned out that they were from this church group, "the women of inward." which is a hilarious name to me. makes me think of a vagina. They brought goody bags and gave them to all the dancers. No condoms, but I guess that is not surprising. They had useful things, though. hand sanitizer and emergen-c and cough drops. a rain poncho. a tea bag. also assorted small candies. a tasteful purple business card with a butterfly and a bible quotation. they seemed to know everyone in the club and the couple of dancers who i asked about them seemed to be positive bordering on protective of them.
the guy who i did a v.i.p. with also told me that if i wore the straps of my thong below my ischial crest (he didn't use that word, but that's one i learned from a former lover), that he thought i would make 10% more money. he's probably right. i always think it looks better above, but i suppose it is more jane fonda-workout video-esque. i'll wear it low. when i was laying on his lap he just wanted them pull down. he, more than others, never tried to touch my junk, but i guess he just wanted to look at it.
at the beginning of the night when i was dancing, r-, one of the waitresses got ones and put them on stage, i guess they can do that. i appreciated it, it helped my morale. she's sweet and seems to like me. i'd say she's in her forties or early fifties. she used to work with race horses and she said she'd had her skull cracked and her back broken any number of times by now. i forget the actual number. i requested her as my server for the v.i.p. room, and i tipped her at the end of the night. it seemed like the thing to do.
i drank more than i have yet, which was really barely one glass of champagne. i still felt like it contributed to the difficulty of my one hour of sleep the next morning. but i don't regret doing it.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
wednesday
total before tipout: 510. after...i'd say...430?
today was better. i spent a lot of time at my altar before i went in. i lit three candles. i concentrated on the golden bubble of light all the way on my bike ride in. i thought about that thing in theater class where they teach you about status, and how people with higher status don't keep looking at people who they think have lower status than them, but people with lower status are always checking, peeking back at the people to whom they concede status. as much as it sort of pained me, i worked hard to not concede status to the other girls.
there was this one dude, with a cowboy hat from texas. he was boring but he wanted to talk to me. he was already talking to two other girls who had approached him, one of whom is the person i'm most afraid of "mean girl" dynamics from, l--, although her cute nerdy friend came in tonight and that endeared me to her. besides, that fear beloned to my other, more sapling life. i was sitting with another alabama fan, a man who was here on this trip because it was on his wife's bucket list and she has terminal cancer. he whispered to me, "i came over here to talk to you." i said, okay i'll be around later but you have to take care of them first. later, he came and talked ot me, and l- sat behind in the alcove. i had a feeling she was watching, but i didn't look at her.
i gave a threefer to the most handsome man tonight. well, i thought he was really handsome. i felt a deep connection while gyrating on top of him lol. seriously though. i kind of wanted to fuck him. or, rather, i did want to fuck him. also, it is funny people's expecations of you...in different contexts. he said he was native american, and i said, "what nation?" and he was impressed, like most people say "what tribe?" which was jsut funny to me because in all other areas of my life...well, people have different expectations of me.
i did my first v.i.p. room tonight, and i got confused about prices, which meant that i asked for more from teh dude than i proabaly would have otherwise, but he was loaded and paid. which is a good lesson in ask and yo umay be suprised. he was funny. kept talking about the hustle. i kind of feel like people were sent ot me tonight. including this guy who kept talking about the hustle and, i dunno i am too tired to say. but the hour actually flew by. we danced a little on teh couch and then standing up and then we just sort of had sexy snuggle time and talked. which was nice. he was sweet and super tall. and apparently ran some business but i never really asked him about it.
also, he was like "i appreciate that you can't just roll yoru body like a black girl" or someting like that. which was both affirming and...weird.
there is so much racism. overt. it's crazy. the bouncer always recruits me to come stand at the door and then i get there and he sends one of the black girls back inside and has me stand in her place, "watch" he says, "we're gonna get a lot more people now." also, he always let's white dudes in without id's but turns away groups of latino guys who don't have id's. there's lots more racist stuff i'm too tired to think of. oh this one girl was talking about who she wanted to do threefers with. she said to teh house mom "i'm not going with taht indian guy because i don't like to be fingered." pause. "also he's from INDIA, who knows where his hands have been."
i observed the merit of staying until the end tonight. two guys came in once we were about to close, and iw as like "okay, we're about to close," and so i convinced this dude to do a threefer with me. he only wanted to do it if i was going to be back tomorrow. i lied and said that i would be. . i figured that was okay. he had a necklace of jesus on teh cross but it was missing the horizontal part of the cross. i think on purpose.
total before tipout: 510. after...i'd say...430?
today was better. i spent a lot of time at my altar before i went in. i lit three candles. i concentrated on the golden bubble of light all the way on my bike ride in. i thought about that thing in theater class where they teach you about status, and how people with higher status don't keep looking at people who they think have lower status than them, but people with lower status are always checking, peeking back at the people to whom they concede status. as much as it sort of pained me, i worked hard to not concede status to the other girls.
there was this one dude, with a cowboy hat from texas. he was boring but he wanted to talk to me. he was already talking to two other girls who had approached him, one of whom is the person i'm most afraid of "mean girl" dynamics from, l--, although her cute nerdy friend came in tonight and that endeared me to her. besides, that fear beloned to my other, more sapling life. i was sitting with another alabama fan, a man who was here on this trip because it was on his wife's bucket list and she has terminal cancer. he whispered to me, "i came over here to talk to you." i said, okay i'll be around later but you have to take care of them first. later, he came and talked ot me, and l- sat behind in the alcove. i had a feeling she was watching, but i didn't look at her.
i gave a threefer to the most handsome man tonight. well, i thought he was really handsome. i felt a deep connection while gyrating on top of him lol. seriously though. i kind of wanted to fuck him. or, rather, i did want to fuck him. also, it is funny people's expecations of you...in different contexts. he said he was native american, and i said, "what nation?" and he was impressed, like most people say "what tribe?" which was jsut funny to me because in all other areas of my life...well, people have different expectations of me.
i did my first v.i.p. room tonight, and i got confused about prices, which meant that i asked for more from teh dude than i proabaly would have otherwise, but he was loaded and paid. which is a good lesson in ask and yo umay be suprised. he was funny. kept talking about the hustle. i kind of feel like people were sent ot me tonight. including this guy who kept talking about the hustle and, i dunno i am too tired to say. but the hour actually flew by. we danced a little on teh couch and then standing up and then we just sort of had sexy snuggle time and talked. which was nice. he was sweet and super tall. and apparently ran some business but i never really asked him about it.
also, he was like "i appreciate that you can't just roll yoru body like a black girl" or someting like that. which was both affirming and...weird.
there is so much racism. overt. it's crazy. the bouncer always recruits me to come stand at the door and then i get there and he sends one of the black girls back inside and has me stand in her place, "watch" he says, "we're gonna get a lot more people now." also, he always let's white dudes in without id's but turns away groups of latino guys who don't have id's. there's lots more racist stuff i'm too tired to think of. oh this one girl was talking about who she wanted to do threefers with. she said to teh house mom "i'm not going with taht indian guy because i don't like to be fingered." pause. "also he's from INDIA, who knows where his hands have been."
i observed the merit of staying until the end tonight. two guys came in once we were about to close, and iw as like "okay, we're about to close," and so i convinced this dude to do a threefer with me. he only wanted to do it if i was going to be back tomorrow. i lied and said that i would be. . i figured that was okay. he had a necklace of jesus on teh cross but it was missing the horizontal part of the cross. i think on purpose.
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