Saturday, July 20, 2013
i very rarely feel demeaned at the club, and i don't even really often feel disrespected. i almost always feel that i am the one yielding the power in the situation, and that i am granting a very clear avenue for (usually) men to be present with their sexual desires without shame or judgment and with clear boundaries. the boundaries thing, on a side not, is interesting to me. in the few occasions in which i've been with cis-men who are not queer/feminist-y men, i've often not felt good communication around boundaries. in fact, i don't know why i queer/not-queered that. even in a lot of queer hook-ups and relationships i've been in, it's been hard to communicate boundaries on both sides. but at the club, men really often ask what is okay, and are really pliable when i tell them what isn't (once i've weeded out and NOT gone with the ones who just want to fuck.) but anyway, i wonder if people are just better with boundaries...or want more of them then we are brought up to think.
money has never seemed as tangible and as fake as working at a strip club. it kind of blows my mind how i can coax a man into emptying his wallet and then going to an ATM with a fifteen dollar surcharge. sex is pretty powerful i guess. i always feel like the lap dance starts when they go to the ATM lol, and i stand behind them scratching the back of their head or rubbing their back or working my hips on them or something so that they stay in the mood and don't freak out about how much money they are spending.
but anyway, back to my EXPERIENCE BEING DEMEANED. what made me feel so shitty wasn't like a guy getting over excited and trying to touch my pussy, which happens ALL THE TIME. but it was another fucking british sleazebag! i feel disgusting just remembering it...it's funny what becomes big. these two white guys in button - downs were sitting in these chairs far from the stage. in my head i decided to call them the "no dance" or better "no money" chairs, because guys sort of sit in them to be away from the action...to avoid the path way of the dancers it seems, and also to avoid having to tip whoever is on stage. so anyway, despite thinking this...in fact WHILE thinking this, i went to sit on this one guy's lap. i started to talk to him...he was british and then he said. "don't talk. i just want to watch." so i was like, whatever. and i stopped talking. and he started running his hands all over my body. at first it was fine, but then it started to feel disgusting, like SUPER DIRTY. and believe it, i have guys hands over me all night, so what about this was different? it was that vermin-like quality, this sense of oulless touch, with no perception of the humanity of the one being touched. so anyway, ti was feeling GROSS, and about a song and a half passed and i thought that i would see if i could bring him back to a lap dance room. at that moment he leaned to my ear and said "now go away." in that disgusting fucking british accent. i said, "excuse me?' "now go away," he repeated. i pulled out the side of my thong for a tip and he just looked at me. i did it again. nothing. i bent down to his ear and said, deeply and without wavering. "aren't you going to tip me for putting your hands all over my body for two songs?" he shook his head. no more than that. MYSOGYNIST SCUM OF THE EARTH. is all i have to say. i know a lot of men carry misogyny...a lot of women too...a lot of people in general. but fewer INTENTIONALLY DEPLOY IT. now that's fucked up and makes me want to go fuck some shit up. but i couldn't. but i did go over when ch-- was sitting on his lap afterwards and whisper in her ear (without making eye contact with him), "if he's anything like he was with me, he's a huge sleazebag who won't tip you anything or buy a dance."
There were many more incidents of racism as always. From the flagrant, "did you ever notice how drunk mexicans are as bad or worse than black people?" spoken by the door girl, to a more subtle instance that happened to me while walking around the room looking for customers. i often think about how racism happens on both the sides of men picking girls to give them lap dances, but also vice versa. anyway, i will take this opportunity to admit to profiling towards white men when giving dances. i'm not going to deconstruct that here, only that i am understanding a need to challenge that in myself. tonight i sat down tih a black guy who was there with his friend. he was on the outside, more so than his friend, but he was also bald and i think had lighter skin than his friend. i was chatting with him, and he said, "can you do me a favor?" and i asked him what it was. he asked if i could go sit with his friend, that hsi friend was having a not so great night because he hadn't been getting very much attention. i told him that i was working, and did he want to tip me to go sit with his friend. he said something, i don't reember what, and i asked if he wanted to buy a lap dance for his friend or if his friend wanted to buy one. he said, and he seemed genuinely upset at this point, "we've been in a lot of clubs tonight, can you tell me why no one has sat with my friend?" in my head i said RACISM, and i'm sure he knew the answer, too. he said that no one had given his friend a chance to see if he wanted a lap dance even. So i went and sat on his lap, and he was SUPER sweet, and i did give him a dance and it was lovely and goddamnit if racism isn't everywhere and sad as fuck.
Also, tonight I was standing outside with A--, and these two guys were sort of homing in on us...they finally got close, and the one guy asked what kind of a bar it was. The door girl said, "It's a STRIP club." and he said. "oh." he looked at me and said, "I thougth ya'll were an impersonator bar." Oh man I wanted to laugh so hard. And he didn't mean it as an insult he genuinely thought that, and he was a little drunk so he was really just speaking where he was at. A--, who hadn't been visible to the man as I had been was like, "oh no, baby, this is ALL real." After he left she looked at me and was like, "he thought you were a dude!" as if that had not already been clear ot me. what neither of them probalby realized was that that was like the msot awesomest compliment ever.
One of the early dances I did was with a guy who was the overseer at an oil rig. While I was giving him the dance, he said some offhand bravado about "I've done it all." I was like, "yea?" not really paying attention or caring about what he was talking about. "everything except sex with a dude," he followed. "Well," I said, "you still have time." "OH NO." he said, immediately. the next thing that i heard was, "there's no quitters on the rig," which didn't make sense ot me, so i said, "oh no?" and he said, "nope. there are no queers allowed on my rig." "no?" i said. "no." i asked him what happened to queers on the rig, if they got kicked out. He said he had had one guy and found out he was "queer" and "so i told him he had to go." GODDAMN.
"there are no queers on the rig" "i found out he was queer and i told him he had to go. also, he said that i could tell he was cajun by his accent and his attitude.
Friday, July 19, 2013
July 18, Thursday
115 after tip out -- SUCKY SUCKY night.
i was way to tired, and i didn't want to go in, but E. was auditioning tonight and I wanted to be tehre for her. I'm still worried I wasn't there for her enough. Anyway. it was super slow and I ended up leaving even though I didn't make enough money and there were still guys there, I left at like 3.15 cuz I just couldn't do it anymore.
i always wear my blue hoodie home, sort of as a disguise of some sort, to be less conspicuous. tonight, just as i had hopped on, biking down the first block down bourbon street, i passed this person walking the opposite direction from me on foot. a black, masculine of center person. as i passed, she yelled, "TRAYVON MARTIN."
115 after tip out -- SUCKY SUCKY night.
i was way to tired, and i didn't want to go in, but E. was auditioning tonight and I wanted to be tehre for her. I'm still worried I wasn't there for her enough. Anyway. it was super slow and I ended up leaving even though I didn't make enough money and there were still guys there, I left at like 3.15 cuz I just couldn't do it anymore.
i always wear my blue hoodie home, sort of as a disguise of some sort, to be less conspicuous. tonight, just as i had hopped on, biking down the first block down bourbon street, i passed this person walking the opposite direction from me on foot. a black, masculine of center person. as i passed, she yelled, "TRAYVON MARTIN."
Saturday, July 13, 2013
510 before tip out
friday night. July 12
i feel like i lost some money along the way. that it like, fell out of my purse or somethng. i should be more careful in the future. but also, i realized something super annoying. i did this room with this dude, whose name i couldnt' remember past square one. he was pretty funny in that he kept acting like it was pure kismet that we met, that we were meant to be. he kept saying "if i had come in five minute later, do you think we would have met?" and hilarious things like that. he talked about how comfortable he felt with me. also, he talked about how good i smelled. i asked him what i smelled like. he said, "i don't know. you smell like...WOMAN." later he said, "i realized what you smelled like...it's sweat." in a good way. i kind of liked playing with him. he was pretty handsome. i put my mouth all over his shoulders...bit and sucked. so he payed 100 for the room and 300 for me. but he paid with a card. so i got a check, but the check was only for 240 because the owner takes 20% off of credit card transactions. so this was a good lesson for me to learn. i also let him slap my ass a lot, because it was less work then me continuing to gyrate and kept his mind of pulling his dick out of his microfiber boxer briefs. i went upstairs afterwards and momma was like, "somebody got a hold of YOUR ass." oh i do love her.
i feel like i have the closest thing to a friend at work now. i won't write her name, but it's the name of a fast car, so i'll call her maserati, even though that sounds a bit ridiculous. she is really nice and she is also tall and she's just open and kind. the other night we were standing outside on the street tryna get customers and she was waving down the street, "i know it seems like we're so far away." she said to me, gesturing at the club four storefronts down. "that's my sister. she works there, but we never see eachother because we're have kids and we're dancers..." i peered out to see her sister. "it's like once you become a dancer," she said, "you never see anybody anymore." i could imagine what she meant. i'd only been back in town for two days and i was feeling frustrated that i was going to work before doing anything else...feeling like i still wasn't back in town but only in the alternate bourbon street universe. and i know i don't work as often as maserati does. i decided to suck up my complaining a little at that moment.
i think i reached the point of not giving a fuck. i can't really care less if the other girls don't like me or resent me or are jealous of me or think i'm a bad dancer or whatever. every time i get back in town it is a little hard to get up the courage to be on stage again. but it's not so bad, and to be honest, i've started ordering an actual drink when the first couple guys ask, and that helps. i drink vodka cranberry which i never order in real life, but i feel like my stripper persona would order. i've also started sanitizing the men's hands when we go into a room. that way i don't get so anxious when they are all over my ass. last night i was giving a dance to this man in the merchant marines, and he was like, "oh the dirty sailor and the cute mediterranean looking chick." that was amusing to me somehow.
after work, maserati and i were doing our money in the dressing room. we were having small talk, which was so lovely and i asked her what she did when she got off work. she said she usually was so tired, she just showered and went to sleep. "my boyfriend usually wants me to give him a blowjob, and i have to be like, 'baby, the sun is coming up and i havent' slept yet.'" i told her that if someone asked me for a blowjob after i got off of work i would clock them.
also guys are still so racist! this dude came in and he was like, "i'm here with a lot of my buddies, but we don't like black chicks." and did i stop talking with him? no! i kept trying to flirt with him to get a dance. i think maybe that was a case where i should have drawn the line. he didnt' stay anyway.
i went in the bathroom to take a piss after waiting a couple of hours for them to re-up the toilet paper, and Eden* scooted in quick behind me and shut the door. i like her a lot and worreid that i accidentally tipped her off earlier, when in some awkward attempt at a greeting, i sort of blocked her way out the door. that's the kind of thing that could become beef here. but she was all camaraderie with me when she came in. "i'm hiding from a customer,' she said. she had been in a 3 for a hundred room, and some guy had wanted her to fuck him. "and i was like, 'no way am i gonna fuck you downstairs in a three for a hundred room. for a hundred dollars? and if i get caught i'd get fined $50, off the $70 i get from the a hundred, i'd be fucking you for $20...i told him i was going to go get a condom, and then i left, but he just came back in, so when i saw you come in to the bathroom i followed you in." i told her i was glad she did and that he was a dick and what do guys think they are getting.
i didn't know what she was talking about but later i sat down with a group of guys and was trying to sell one of them a dance and he said that his friend had gotten stiffed on a three for a hundred. i made an excuse to leave and went and asked eden if those were the guys. unsurprisingly, they were.
friday night. July 12
i feel like i lost some money along the way. that it like, fell out of my purse or somethng. i should be more careful in the future. but also, i realized something super annoying. i did this room with this dude, whose name i couldnt' remember past square one. he was pretty funny in that he kept acting like it was pure kismet that we met, that we were meant to be. he kept saying "if i had come in five minute later, do you think we would have met?" and hilarious things like that. he talked about how comfortable he felt with me. also, he talked about how good i smelled. i asked him what i smelled like. he said, "i don't know. you smell like...WOMAN." later he said, "i realized what you smelled like...it's sweat." in a good way. i kind of liked playing with him. he was pretty handsome. i put my mouth all over his shoulders...bit and sucked. so he payed 100 for the room and 300 for me. but he paid with a card. so i got a check, but the check was only for 240 because the owner takes 20% off of credit card transactions. so this was a good lesson for me to learn. i also let him slap my ass a lot, because it was less work then me continuing to gyrate and kept his mind of pulling his dick out of his microfiber boxer briefs. i went upstairs afterwards and momma was like, "somebody got a hold of YOUR ass." oh i do love her.
i feel like i have the closest thing to a friend at work now. i won't write her name, but it's the name of a fast car, so i'll call her maserati, even though that sounds a bit ridiculous. she is really nice and she is also tall and she's just open and kind. the other night we were standing outside on the street tryna get customers and she was waving down the street, "i know it seems like we're so far away." she said to me, gesturing at the club four storefronts down. "that's my sister. she works there, but we never see eachother because we're have kids and we're dancers..." i peered out to see her sister. "it's like once you become a dancer," she said, "you never see anybody anymore." i could imagine what she meant. i'd only been back in town for two days and i was feeling frustrated that i was going to work before doing anything else...feeling like i still wasn't back in town but only in the alternate bourbon street universe. and i know i don't work as often as maserati does. i decided to suck up my complaining a little at that moment.
i think i reached the point of not giving a fuck. i can't really care less if the other girls don't like me or resent me or are jealous of me or think i'm a bad dancer or whatever. every time i get back in town it is a little hard to get up the courage to be on stage again. but it's not so bad, and to be honest, i've started ordering an actual drink when the first couple guys ask, and that helps. i drink vodka cranberry which i never order in real life, but i feel like my stripper persona would order. i've also started sanitizing the men's hands when we go into a room. that way i don't get so anxious when they are all over my ass. last night i was giving a dance to this man in the merchant marines, and he was like, "oh the dirty sailor and the cute mediterranean looking chick." that was amusing to me somehow.
after work, maserati and i were doing our money in the dressing room. we were having small talk, which was so lovely and i asked her what she did when she got off work. she said she usually was so tired, she just showered and went to sleep. "my boyfriend usually wants me to give him a blowjob, and i have to be like, 'baby, the sun is coming up and i havent' slept yet.'" i told her that if someone asked me for a blowjob after i got off of work i would clock them.
also guys are still so racist! this dude came in and he was like, "i'm here with a lot of my buddies, but we don't like black chicks." and did i stop talking with him? no! i kept trying to flirt with him to get a dance. i think maybe that was a case where i should have drawn the line. he didnt' stay anyway.
i went in the bathroom to take a piss after waiting a couple of hours for them to re-up the toilet paper, and Eden* scooted in quick behind me and shut the door. i like her a lot and worreid that i accidentally tipped her off earlier, when in some awkward attempt at a greeting, i sort of blocked her way out the door. that's the kind of thing that could become beef here. but she was all camaraderie with me when she came in. "i'm hiding from a customer,' she said. she had been in a 3 for a hundred room, and some guy had wanted her to fuck him. "and i was like, 'no way am i gonna fuck you downstairs in a three for a hundred room. for a hundred dollars? and if i get caught i'd get fined $50, off the $70 i get from the a hundred, i'd be fucking you for $20...i told him i was going to go get a condom, and then i left, but he just came back in, so when i saw you come in to the bathroom i followed you in." i told her i was glad she did and that he was a dick and what do guys think they are getting.
i didn't know what she was talking about but later i sat down with a group of guys and was trying to sell one of them a dance and he said that his friend had gotten stiffed on a three for a hundred. i made an excuse to leave and went and asked eden if those were the guys. unsurprisingly, they were.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
468 before tip-out
393 after
well, for starters, there was a "vampire party" at the club tonight. the highlight of which, judging from all of the conversation in the dressing room at the end of the night, was the "samples," i.e., "free food." one of the dancers compared the experience to sam's club. apparently the dj is a huge vampire nerd (with his own tv show?!?), and spent much of the early night melting white chocolate and red food coloring for the "blood" chocolate fountain while k- subbed for him. i want to poke a little fun at this, but also, honestly, it is hard to melt white chocolate without fucking up the consistency. it was a little silly, though. later, k- made me stand holding a strawberry under the fountain for a while whilst he took a picture that he lit with the flashlight on his iphone. all this to say that, while a portion of vampire con may have temporarily descended on the club, they were not all actually that interested in doing what one DOES in a strip club...i.e., buy dances. i'm a little fascinated by the scene though...the party was emceed buy the guy who runs the ghost and vampire tours in new orleans. apparently, they have their own house and there are different levels of initiation. other elements of the party (as it were) included a second dj, who as i perceived it, only played two songs. this was probably a let down for him, as he had an ENTIRE SECOND dj station set up, but really, that makes no sense. the music in there is uncomfortably loud as it is, how were you supposed to have two dj's at once? also, i felt bad for the one dancer who had chosen a reggaeton set and then had to end up dancing to some sped-up house music with lyrics about cannibalism. in addition, that dude who seems to have established himself as the bondage expert in new orleans was there tying people up. i think the last time i saw him was at "kiss kiss julie."
m-- and j-- gave another brutal bachelor beating...and the dj said more fucked up racist shit. m-- and j--, both perceptively white, were flogging the bachelor, also perceptively white. very intensely. and the dj goes, "your names is toby." WTF?!?
one of the other dancers passed out or od'd or something. but she was at least on her feet -- sort of -- by the end of the night.
i don't know what else to say. i was a little bored. my legs hurt a lot. i forgot how exhausting this is. the stage was fine. it felt awkward getting back into it. and i'm still not so great at it. but maybe i'm getting better at not caring.
it was a lot harder to go in today, and more stressful because i really didn't see anyone today. a- and r- picked me up from the airport, which was so sweet and wonderful and we had a great dinner and a- even took me to get groceries after that, but none of my housemates are home and i was super lonely last night. and then today i went out into the world and i didn't really see anyone i knew, and ijust wante to have some good affirming experiences of myself before work, so it was hard to be much more alone than i usually am. i made a mess in the house though.
393 after
well, for starters, there was a "vampire party" at the club tonight. the highlight of which, judging from all of the conversation in the dressing room at the end of the night, was the "samples," i.e., "free food." one of the dancers compared the experience to sam's club. apparently the dj is a huge vampire nerd (with his own tv show?!?), and spent much of the early night melting white chocolate and red food coloring for the "blood" chocolate fountain while k- subbed for him. i want to poke a little fun at this, but also, honestly, it is hard to melt white chocolate without fucking up the consistency. it was a little silly, though. later, k- made me stand holding a strawberry under the fountain for a while whilst he took a picture that he lit with the flashlight on his iphone. all this to say that, while a portion of vampire con may have temporarily descended on the club, they were not all actually that interested in doing what one DOES in a strip club...i.e., buy dances. i'm a little fascinated by the scene though...the party was emceed buy the guy who runs the ghost and vampire tours in new orleans. apparently, they have their own house and there are different levels of initiation. other elements of the party (as it were) included a second dj, who as i perceived it, only played two songs. this was probably a let down for him, as he had an ENTIRE SECOND dj station set up, but really, that makes no sense. the music in there is uncomfortably loud as it is, how were you supposed to have two dj's at once? also, i felt bad for the one dancer who had chosen a reggaeton set and then had to end up dancing to some sped-up house music with lyrics about cannibalism. in addition, that dude who seems to have established himself as the bondage expert in new orleans was there tying people up. i think the last time i saw him was at "kiss kiss julie."
m-- and j-- gave another brutal bachelor beating...and the dj said more fucked up racist shit. m-- and j--, both perceptively white, were flogging the bachelor, also perceptively white. very intensely. and the dj goes, "your names is toby." WTF?!?
one of the other dancers passed out or od'd or something. but she was at least on her feet -- sort of -- by the end of the night.
i don't know what else to say. i was a little bored. my legs hurt a lot. i forgot how exhausting this is. the stage was fine. it felt awkward getting back into it. and i'm still not so great at it. but maybe i'm getting better at not caring.
it was a lot harder to go in today, and more stressful because i really didn't see anyone today. a- and r- picked me up from the airport, which was so sweet and wonderful and we had a great dinner and a- even took me to get groceries after that, but none of my housemates are home and i was super lonely last night. and then today i went out into the world and i didn't really see anyone i knew, and ijust wante to have some good affirming experiences of myself before work, so it was hard to be much more alone than i usually am. i made a mess in the house though.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
full moon friday
first day bleeding.
350 before tip out; 275 after.
okay. first things first. i never thought i would say this. but bourbon street at sunrise almost made me cry today. with that aqueous, letting go joy. something about the neon with the streaky sky and rising sun. at night the neon is all about opposing the black night. being not of this world. but then the dawn comes back and reclaims the colors as part of this expansive universe.
so i'm getting better at some of the stripper moves. for example, i went backwards and upside down with my pussy in the guys faces in most of my lap dances tonight. also, this one where you stand with your back to the pole and your arms above your head and slowly lower yousrelf down as you walk your feet out so in the end your knees are bent and your back is parallel to the floor and you are still gyrating., well, i was the last dancer of the night, just due to the rotation, so it was like 5.20 am, and i'm doing this move on the stage and i didn't even think anyone was really around the stage it was so late, but there was this woman at my feet trying to give me a dollar, and i guess i kicked out my foot and i KICKED HER IN THE FACE. she was totally a good sport about it though, and i rubbed my tits in her face to make up for it lol. she still gave me the dollar :) and THEN! her friends (they all work for jet blue...i wonder if they were flight attendants or what), this guy and a girl, they got a dance together. it was awesome! i took two armchairs and had them face eachother so i could do stuff in between them. she was great, too, she kept asking consent for touching me places. and she RESPECTED THE DON'T TOUCH MY JUNK RULE. and kept calling him out on it. it was awesome.
sometimes i'm so fucking naive. this guy was sitting in a corner and he called me over. i'd been seeing him, but some vibe made me think he wasn't in for dances, so i' hadn't gone over. he was good looking though. i went and sat with him. he was like, "i've been here the past couple of nights, and i've seen you, so i wanted to say hello." i think he gave some nondescript compliment. we exchanged names and then he said that he wanted us to meet because "i just got back from the feds and i'm gonna be trying to take over the strip clubs." even though he said "feds" i was still not getting it. i thought he meant he was gonna buy out bourbon entertainment, the place that owns the place i work and some other places too. "oh cool" i said. so you're gonna own this place?" he chuckled. "no." he said. "the DRUGS. i just got back from the feds and i'm gonna take over the DRUGS in this area." "oh," i said. "the feds like prison?" "yea," he said, "so i wanted to introduce myself." i said that all that was "awesome," and i would "keep it in mind." then i asked him if he wanted a dance and he said no but maybe he would buy one for his buddy later. i told him about his nice smile and then went and did something else.
i think i'm just not going to touch all that shit with anything except for a ten foot pole of courtesy and flirtation. i mean, i get asked for coke all the time, but i'm not trying to be anyone's hookup, especially when there's nothing in it for me. also NO I WILL NOT LET YOU STICK YOUR DICK UP MY ASS. and if i tell you you can't touch my pussy DO YOU REALLY THINK I AM GOING TO LET YOU COME IN MY MOUTH? for god sake's people it's a FUCKING STRIP CLUB. there were these overgrown nerds who are often the nastiest horndogs and they were all asking if we would do anal. GROSS. me and ar--- and the door woman and someone else were talking about him, which is always really nice to commiserate with teh other dancers, cuz sometimes it can seem like you are having these crappy experiences all by yourself, but then someone else is like, "yeah, i'm not making any money tonight either" or "these guys are cheap" or "that guy just tried to finger me" or "he won't stop asking everyone for anal," and then it's like, "okay, it's not something fucked up about me. but anyway, ar--- went inside and went up to him and was like, "so are you the guy that is asking everyone for anal?" and he was like, "no," that guy's already out back. i have a pretty enormous crush on ar----. she's the best dancer and she always looks good, like she's not working hard at all, but you know that she is. i think she had a bad night. we were outside and she was like, "being black is not working for me tonight...you know sometimes i wish i were white." i'm not gonna lie. the strip club is yet another place where the extremes of racism are super visible. and i know i benefit a shit ton from being white. from teh ways i've already written about, but also, when i experience the racism of customers, it's like a moral/existential dilemma as opposed to a dilemma around whether i'm gonna make enough money that night.
first day bleeding.
350 before tip out; 275 after.
okay. first things first. i never thought i would say this. but bourbon street at sunrise almost made me cry today. with that aqueous, letting go joy. something about the neon with the streaky sky and rising sun. at night the neon is all about opposing the black night. being not of this world. but then the dawn comes back and reclaims the colors as part of this expansive universe.
so i'm getting better at some of the stripper moves. for example, i went backwards and upside down with my pussy in the guys faces in most of my lap dances tonight. also, this one where you stand with your back to the pole and your arms above your head and slowly lower yousrelf down as you walk your feet out so in the end your knees are bent and your back is parallel to the floor and you are still gyrating., well, i was the last dancer of the night, just due to the rotation, so it was like 5.20 am, and i'm doing this move on the stage and i didn't even think anyone was really around the stage it was so late, but there was this woman at my feet trying to give me a dollar, and i guess i kicked out my foot and i KICKED HER IN THE FACE. she was totally a good sport about it though, and i rubbed my tits in her face to make up for it lol. she still gave me the dollar :) and THEN! her friends (they all work for jet blue...i wonder if they were flight attendants or what), this guy and a girl, they got a dance together. it was awesome! i took two armchairs and had them face eachother so i could do stuff in between them. she was great, too, she kept asking consent for touching me places. and she RESPECTED THE DON'T TOUCH MY JUNK RULE. and kept calling him out on it. it was awesome.
sometimes i'm so fucking naive. this guy was sitting in a corner and he called me over. i'd been seeing him, but some vibe made me think he wasn't in for dances, so i' hadn't gone over. he was good looking though. i went and sat with him. he was like, "i've been here the past couple of nights, and i've seen you, so i wanted to say hello." i think he gave some nondescript compliment. we exchanged names and then he said that he wanted us to meet because "i just got back from the feds and i'm gonna be trying to take over the strip clubs." even though he said "feds" i was still not getting it. i thought he meant he was gonna buy out bourbon entertainment, the place that owns the place i work and some other places too. "oh cool" i said. so you're gonna own this place?" he chuckled. "no." he said. "the DRUGS. i just got back from the feds and i'm gonna take over the DRUGS in this area." "oh," i said. "the feds like prison?" "yea," he said, "so i wanted to introduce myself." i said that all that was "awesome," and i would "keep it in mind." then i asked him if he wanted a dance and he said no but maybe he would buy one for his buddy later. i told him about his nice smile and then went and did something else.
i think i'm just not going to touch all that shit with anything except for a ten foot pole of courtesy and flirtation. i mean, i get asked for coke all the time, but i'm not trying to be anyone's hookup, especially when there's nothing in it for me. also NO I WILL NOT LET YOU STICK YOUR DICK UP MY ASS. and if i tell you you can't touch my pussy DO YOU REALLY THINK I AM GOING TO LET YOU COME IN MY MOUTH? for god sake's people it's a FUCKING STRIP CLUB. there were these overgrown nerds who are often the nastiest horndogs and they were all asking if we would do anal. GROSS. me and ar--- and the door woman and someone else were talking about him, which is always really nice to commiserate with teh other dancers, cuz sometimes it can seem like you are having these crappy experiences all by yourself, but then someone else is like, "yeah, i'm not making any money tonight either" or "these guys are cheap" or "that guy just tried to finger me" or "he won't stop asking everyone for anal," and then it's like, "okay, it's not something fucked up about me. but anyway, ar--- went inside and went up to him and was like, "so are you the guy that is asking everyone for anal?" and he was like, "no," that guy's already out back. i have a pretty enormous crush on ar----. she's the best dancer and she always looks good, like she's not working hard at all, but you know that she is. i think she had a bad night. we were outside and she was like, "being black is not working for me tonight...you know sometimes i wish i were white." i'm not gonna lie. the strip club is yet another place where the extremes of racism are super visible. and i know i benefit a shit ton from being white. from teh ways i've already written about, but also, when i experience the racism of customers, it's like a moral/existential dilemma as opposed to a dilemma around whether i'm gonna make enough money that night.
Friday, May 24, 2013
full moon thursday
about to bleed, hopefull
457 before tip out, 340 after
i am so tired.
what even happened tonight?
i was not feeling sexy. but sometimes even when you are not feeling sexy, you have to pretend you are feeling sexy. this is especially true when that is your job. okay, duh. sorry.
there were all these cops from new york city in tonight. not all of htem wanted to admit to being cops. i have to admit, they were my favorite people of the night. they were all these handsome irish guys, kind of sweet. sometimes guys let me in when i am doing a lap dance, and i can just sort of drop into that space, that energy. this, i like. it feels liek we are actually doing work together or something. one of the cops came to that space. or maybe he was the only one who wasn't actually a cop.
again, there were a million people talking about how they wanted something more. i had like three guys tonight almost not get dances because they were worried about getting blue balled. i am getting better at enticing men to come back despite the fact that i'm not going to promise them sex.
the thing is, they really don't get why i won't have sex with them. one guy really wanted to eat me out, said he was the best at it. i politely declined and he said that i could just get a taste of it for a minute or something and see if i like it. i was like, NO DUDE. thanks though.
maybe the cops stood out as mildly pleasurable because there were so many other people who i found...gross and creepy and icky. including this guy who came in, older man, and i was sitting with him for a minute (thank god not on his lap), and he bought me a drink, and then i started to notice that he had open wounds on his arm and hands (one of which he had been touching my hair and stuff with) and i was like, "ummmm...what happened" and he said that he had been shot "you know," he said, "it's the quarter." and i was like, actually no i do not know and i'm sorry but you cannot touch me with your open wounds hand. then i walked away and some other girl sat with him and sat with him for a long time, so maybe he was decent. but also, no. don't do that.
i pulled this guy in from off the street, i could just tell that he was so horny and drunk and would be an easy sell. his friends stayed outside, said they would give him a half an hour. i convinced him to do a three for a hundred. he pretty immediately told me that he hadn't been with a woman for a very long time, so i told him i would jumpstart his engines, as it were...get his mojo working or something. ew though. he kept asking me if i was "excited," which is the grossest euphemism for what he was trying to say. but i had to keep saying yes! "oh yea, i'm excited..what about you, baby? are you excited?" as if i couldn't already tell that he was excited by the huge boner in his weirdly thin jeans. i think he was pretty drunk because he kept on telling me how nice my breasts were in this way that made it seem like each thought was new. also he kept asking me to "touch him." also gross. and the answer was no. i did give him a little pep talk on the way out though. about how maybe he could start to change his situation by being a better lover to himself, etc. maybe it will stick!
i want to work on my timing. like in the progression of dances, and stuff. i feel like maybe i go big too soon.
i had some nice interactions with the other dancers tonight. i like m--, who taught me the moves initially, and it's nice to see her there. also, i had a couple of instances of communicating to other dancers when i knew that guys wanted to be with them. also, there was this dude who i saw at the very beginning of the night with whom there was a bit of a language barrier, though he was able to communicate, "i want to be sucked." to which i said, no. he said he didn't want a dance because he was a student and did not have enough money. but then i saw him get a dance from D---, so I figured that he actually did. Then he saw me and said he wanted one from me too. I guess he had stuck his fingers inside D----'s thong. anyway, she told the security guy to keep an eye out for me, which gave me the heads up so i could set some really clear boundaries form the beginning. and boy did he try to break them. ouch.
also i spanked two guys during private dances. this is good because it is a technique going forward to not have to spend so much time dry-humping.
it was definitely a little hard getting back into it after being out for a week. especially the stage part, but it got better by the end. also, i think, havign to wash my mom out of my head, and tonight i got all nevrou about going back to massachusetts saturday and i don't know...seeing all my old friends...different conversation. okay. i've got to go to bed now.
about to bleed, hopefull
457 before tip out, 340 after
i am so tired.
what even happened tonight?
i was not feeling sexy. but sometimes even when you are not feeling sexy, you have to pretend you are feeling sexy. this is especially true when that is your job. okay, duh. sorry.
there were all these cops from new york city in tonight. not all of htem wanted to admit to being cops. i have to admit, they were my favorite people of the night. they were all these handsome irish guys, kind of sweet. sometimes guys let me in when i am doing a lap dance, and i can just sort of drop into that space, that energy. this, i like. it feels liek we are actually doing work together or something. one of the cops came to that space. or maybe he was the only one who wasn't actually a cop.
again, there were a million people talking about how they wanted something more. i had like three guys tonight almost not get dances because they were worried about getting blue balled. i am getting better at enticing men to come back despite the fact that i'm not going to promise them sex.
the thing is, they really don't get why i won't have sex with them. one guy really wanted to eat me out, said he was the best at it. i politely declined and he said that i could just get a taste of it for a minute or something and see if i like it. i was like, NO DUDE. thanks though.
maybe the cops stood out as mildly pleasurable because there were so many other people who i found...gross and creepy and icky. including this guy who came in, older man, and i was sitting with him for a minute (thank god not on his lap), and he bought me a drink, and then i started to notice that he had open wounds on his arm and hands (one of which he had been touching my hair and stuff with) and i was like, "ummmm...what happened" and he said that he had been shot "you know," he said, "it's the quarter." and i was like, actually no i do not know and i'm sorry but you cannot touch me with your open wounds hand. then i walked away and some other girl sat with him and sat with him for a long time, so maybe he was decent. but also, no. don't do that.
i pulled this guy in from off the street, i could just tell that he was so horny and drunk and would be an easy sell. his friends stayed outside, said they would give him a half an hour. i convinced him to do a three for a hundred. he pretty immediately told me that he hadn't been with a woman for a very long time, so i told him i would jumpstart his engines, as it were...get his mojo working or something. ew though. he kept asking me if i was "excited," which is the grossest euphemism for what he was trying to say. but i had to keep saying yes! "oh yea, i'm excited..what about you, baby? are you excited?" as if i couldn't already tell that he was excited by the huge boner in his weirdly thin jeans. i think he was pretty drunk because he kept on telling me how nice my breasts were in this way that made it seem like each thought was new. also he kept asking me to "touch him." also gross. and the answer was no. i did give him a little pep talk on the way out though. about how maybe he could start to change his situation by being a better lover to himself, etc. maybe it will stick!
i want to work on my timing. like in the progression of dances, and stuff. i feel like maybe i go big too soon.
i had some nice interactions with the other dancers tonight. i like m--, who taught me the moves initially, and it's nice to see her there. also, i had a couple of instances of communicating to other dancers when i knew that guys wanted to be with them. also, there was this dude who i saw at the very beginning of the night with whom there was a bit of a language barrier, though he was able to communicate, "i want to be sucked." to which i said, no. he said he didn't want a dance because he was a student and did not have enough money. but then i saw him get a dance from D---, so I figured that he actually did. Then he saw me and said he wanted one from me too. I guess he had stuck his fingers inside D----'s thong. anyway, she told the security guy to keep an eye out for me, which gave me the heads up so i could set some really clear boundaries form the beginning. and boy did he try to break them. ouch.
also i spanked two guys during private dances. this is good because it is a technique going forward to not have to spend so much time dry-humping.
it was definitely a little hard getting back into it after being out for a week. especially the stage part, but it got better by the end. also, i think, havign to wash my mom out of my head, and tonight i got all nevrou about going back to massachusetts saturday and i don't know...seeing all my old friends...different conversation. okay. i've got to go to bed now.
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